Do the Opposite

In my dating years, I made the same mistakes over and over again.  I would date the same kind of guys, and expect something different to come out of it. I dated the jock / gym types that had nice physiques, but not a whole lot going for them as far as love, kindness and a giving personality.  It was all about them, and I turned myself into a pretzel to make them happy.  It didn’t work because what I failed to realize is that I couldn’t make them happy when they hated themselves. 

Once my son graduated and went away to college, I decided to move to New York City.  I was up there a lot anyway for work, and decided to have my adventure.  When I got there, I had been through a breakup months before, but felt I was ready to date again.  I told some girls that I worked with about my situation, and they all suggested that I go on a dating site of which they were all members. 

I must confess that I was having a blast! I dated like a man….well, not exactly like a man. I wasn’t sleeping around, but I was dating multiple men at the same time; so many so that I had to write down their names and what they did for a living just to keep them straight. 

One thing that I decided to do when I went on this dating site was to do the OPPOSITE of what I had always done.  If my history of dating and marriage had failed with my old way of doing it, then I would do the exact opposite and see what happened. IT WORKED!!  I dated soooo many men that were so nice and treated me with so much respect.  It was just a matter of me choosing one that I liked.  Of course, there were some weirdos too.  It was New York City.  But the experience of consciously choosing the type of man that I wanted to date was a big step for a serial jerk – finder like me. 

In reality, I wasn’t ready for a real relationship, but this time of dating gave me a picture of what I could have if I chose it.  In this time of transition for me, I met a special guy, who eventually became my husband.  However, both of us were healing from past relationships, and neither of us were really ready for a serious relationship, but somehow, he kept showing up.  I didn’t have a car, but he did, and he would ask if he could drive me to Target or the supermarket.  Of course, I would let him.  I’m no dummy.  But what I couldn’t really see at the time was that even though neither of us were ready to be serious, he was showing signs of wanting to take care of me (IMPORTANT) and provide for me (IMPORTANT).  I would do some writing in Starbucks in Downtown Brooklyn, and he would call me and see if I wanted a ride home at night.  He sought me out (IMPORTANT).  We would sometimes work out together, and afterwards sit and talk for hours.  He was sharing himself and his life stories with me and hearing mine as well.  We were becoming emotionally connected through conversation (IMPORTANT), and neither of us admitted it.  I actually missed him if I didn’t see him for a few days.

So how did we finally become a couple?  Well, I have no idea.  We both decided that we didn’t want to date other people and committed to each other.  We took it slowly because we understood where the other was in the healing process.  Gradually, our hearts opened for each other, and we declared our love.  He eventually asked me to marry him, and, of course, I told him only if he got on one knee would I marry him.  He obliged, and we had a beautiful beach wedding. 

If you’re in a rut and can’t figure out why dating isn’t working out for you, try what I did.  DO THE OPPOSITE!  If you’re finding your old patterns aren’t successful, maybe mixing it up will give you an edge that allows you to see beyond the old habits and view things in a new way.  Think of it like standing in a room and looking at it from the standing position.  Now bend all the way over and look at the room upside down.  It’s the same room, but you’re looking at it differently and at a different angle.  That’s exactly what I did at dating.  I looked at men from a different angle, and this angle worked for me!  I didn’t go for the same type.  I widened my lens and opened myself up to other options that I had never considered before.  Next time you’re swiping, take a second look.   You might be looking at Mr. Right.