When He Leaves You for Another Woman

I have a friend – let’s call her PL.  PL is from a very different culture, China.  When she got to the U.S., PL wanted to find a husband and have children, and that’s exactly what she did.  She devoted her entire life to her family.  She took care of her two beautiful daughters, cooked, cleaned, and focused all of her energy on doing what a wife is supposed to do.  She was happy enough….until…..he wanted a DIVORCE.  She was shocked because she didn’t know any Chinese people who got a divorce.  According to her, couples just stayed together, miserable or not!  To rub salt into the wound, PL found out that her husband had an entire other family in China, and was now ready to bring them to the States.  He had spent months at a time working in China, and met the other woman, who then became his woman.  She felt replaced, abandoned and betrayed.  I offered to go egg his house and car, but she wouldn’t give me his address. 

I would like to say that my friend conquered all the obstacles and came out way better off than when she was married to that cheater, but I’m sorry to say that she didn’t.  Although he had to give her child support, she had to find a job to make ends meet.  Finding a job after spending 15 years as a stay – home mom didn’t give her a beefy resume.  She went to work as a substitute teacher (stab me with a fork) and made under $100 per day.  She has had to study and take education tests to get qualifications to be a full - time teacher.  She’s not there yet, but she’s on her way. 

So how does a woman like PL protect herself from this type of situation?  First of all, she should have traveled with her husband to China when he was gone for months at a time, but didn’t want to pull the kids out of school.  He had insisted that he couldn’t find proper work in the States, and she let him go, but you know what they say, “The family that stays together, stays together”.

One big elephant in their marriage was that they rarely had sex.  She said that she wasn’t really attracted to him anymore.  Now, I know what you’re thinking….Don’t send your husband off to China for months at a time and when he comes home, leave him hanging for sex!....and you would be correct.  Men need sex.  If you’re not giving him sex, you’re setting yourself up for pain.  You must find a way to connect to him sexually or you might just be finding yourself down the same path as PL. 

BE THE OTHER WOMAN!  NO!  I’m not saying go be a cheater.  Put on a wig or a sexy nighty.  Plan a mystery date.  Role play.  Remember how to have fun in your relationship.  At one time, it came naturally to you.  Just find that person again.  It’s not only good for him, but it makes you feel alive and sexy. 

Sometimes, no matter what you do, he still cheats.  Maybe he’s just a piece of shit, and no matter what you do, he can’t keep his penis where it belongs.  This is a choice he made that had absolutely nothing to do with you.  What do you do in this case?  You pick yourself up and move forward.  Moving forward looks very different to each person.  For PL, it meant education to better her financial situation.  What it looks like varies for each person, but if you find yourself in this heartbreaking situation, it MUST mean moving forward to put yourself in a winning situation.  You must set yourself up to win, and you have all you need inside of you to do it!